This piece was originally published as a Substack newsletter on August 2, 2024.

Being 55 years old is a mixed bag. On the one hand, you have much wisdom that you didn’t have 20 years ago. On the other hand, you have more regrets.

The challenge is to look back and not despise your past self but to be gentle with her – to remind yourself that you wouldn’t be who you are today without her mistakes, to be thankful that humility is being crafted in you.

This process has been on my mind a good bit during the past eight weeks as I completed History of Christian Spirituality with Dr. A.J. Swoboda. Each week we would examine a particular stream in the Christian tradition using Richard Foster’s book, Streams of Living Water, while also reading a chronological history of Christian spirituality as well as selections from writers throughout church history. Our weekly writing assignments required us to synthesize our reading to demonstrate that we understood the history of Christian spirituality and its writers within the context of Foster’s streams. 

 Foster’s six streams include the Contemplative, Holiness, Charismatic, Social Justice, Evangelical (this is NOT political), and Incarnational Traditions. (You can read a summary of the streams here.) Keep in mind that the streams as defined by Foster may not mean what you think they mean. For example, in the American South when we hear the word “holiness” it usually brings to mind a hyperconservative branch of pentecostalism rather than the tradition associated with John and Charles Wesley.

Early on we were encouraged to identify our stream, which could be based on our church experience or on the way we relate to God, or both. Identifying my stream was straightforward. Not only was I raised within the Evangelical Stream, but I have remained there throughout my adult life, and my own personal way of relating to God has been primarily through his Word, as is characteristic of this stream. Once we identified our stream we were instructed to compare and contrast it with the other streams, both in our weekly writing assignments and in our final paper wherein we compared and contrasted our stream with one other stream.

The purpose of these explorations was for us to understand and appreciate the strengths and weaknesses of all six streams and to see how churches benefit when they reflect all of the streams rather than limiting themselves to just one. It quickly became clear to me that my experience of having been largely limited to the Evangelical Stream has been detrimental to my spiritual development. Not that I haven’t been exposed to other streams. I have tried to read somewhat broadly, but there have also been plenty of occasions wherein I retreated to the safety of my “tribe” in the expectation of being protected from potential “false teaching.” However, what I now understand is that rather than protect myself, I put God in a box and stymied my spiritual growth. 

Looking back, I don’t know what I might have done differently given my circumstances, but it still makes me a little sad that I am learning these things at 55 rather than 25. If I didn’t trust in the sovereignty of God I would be tempted to mourn for a great deal of time wasted. However, there is something to be said for the timing. Over the past eight years, my circumstances have taught me experientially what this course and my masters program overall are reinforcing intellectually–that people of faith should concentrate on being united in what they have in common and how they can learn from and encourage one another rather than on being preoccupied with secondary issues. 

I have long since given up trying to convince anyone of anything, and I will certainly no longer debate anyone on nonessential doctrines. Now, I am more committed than ever to reading broadly and to filling in the gaps in my education. I have already started a slow read of Saint Augustine’s Confessions since being assigned a passage from the classic early in the semester. And I am especially motivated to read within the Incarnational Stream, which is the tradition I chose for my paper and the one I believe best compliments my evangelical conditioning. In fact, last week I providentially ran across several recommendations from this stream that I’m eager to explore. Heavenly Participation by Hans Boersma looks especially appealing to me, but I expect a book like this will have to wait until I’m finished with school.